theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
