Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
