i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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