We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
