I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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