Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
