Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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