I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
