No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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