is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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