I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
