I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
