I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
