just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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