Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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