I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
