just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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