i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
