I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
