i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
