More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
