my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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