What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
