Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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