whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
