Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's never too late to be topless.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
