ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
