ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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