hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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