Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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