Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
