i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
