When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
