its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
