just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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