but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
