I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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