did you get engaged???
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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