After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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