I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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