I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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