Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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