i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
