your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
