you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
