so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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