I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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