Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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