The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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