The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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