I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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