i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
