I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
