i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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