That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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